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OK, Dennis. Now you’ve done it!! This time your wild expeditions have gone too far. A few weeks ago, you dared to go to the brink of the Hall of the Gopher King, deep in their underground kingdom. In the process, you drove them out of your yard and into mine, and my Mom’s not very happy about it. Yes, the gophers have gotten you in trouble again. Just look at the mess they are making in our yard!


My family has lived in this house for 16 years now, and there has not been one single gopher. Not one. Well, that is, until a few weeks ago when your snooping around chased them deeper underground and into our yard.

I remember you even said that they would probably go somewhere else after you tried to spy on them. In your own words

“I can see that, their secret revealed, gopher workers are already disassembling their sushi buffet and taking down their neon sign, no doubt planning to relocate it even deeper underground.”

I overheard them talking, and even though the talking was a little muffled coming from underground, I did catch the name of one of these guys. His name is Gopher Pile U.S.M.G. (not to be confused with Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C., who wasn’t quite as clever.) These rascals are so clever, in fact, that they leave a scent around the holes leading to their underground kingdom. This scent causes a hypnotic effect on humans who are hunting them down, fooling them into seeing the holes as something harmless, like those found on a golf course. Maybe that’s why you got so close, because this scent apparently doesn’t work on Vizslas.


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Also, I heard them say they were part of the Underground Society of Militant Gophers. (thus the initials U.S.M.G) Instead of the peaceful Pocket Gopher found elsewhere, these guys are the extremist Rocket Gophers.


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Needless to say, this is a very secret society, so I couldn’t hear much more of the conversation.

I remember you said, “But I will find them again — because I am Dennis the Vizsla, and I never give up!”

Well, that’s good, Dennis. I know where they are now, so come get them please. Gopher it, Dennis. Only you can save our family from these viscious creatures who are taking over our domain.

Behr Behr, undercover agent, currently snuggled up in my warm, soft covers 🙂